Joy

Last week was a HARD week. Of course, I do my best to put on a "happy face" during the day for our girls and for the other moms around me, but if I even have a moment to myself I just break down and sob.  As I talked to my sweet husband via text the other day he said he believes I am probably experiencing some depression. He said the load I/we have been carrying is a lot and it can only be sustained for so long. As I thought about that I agreed...since I met our daughters in June, my heart has been in torment. When I am at home I continually think the pain will lessen when I am with the girls and when I am with the girls I realize it isn't any less and I feel like I should be home. Breaking ALL of our children's hearts is more than this momma can bear! 

I share all of this with you today not to ask for you to have pity on me but to share with you that there is nothing special about me.  I know many of you are just trying to encourage me when you make comments about me being brave and strong.  The truth is, I am weak and broken.  I realize though, now more than ever that is where the beauty of Christ begins and why I need to be boasting about my weaknesses. I am a broken mess and I believe more and more that's where Jesus wants me. Broken for Him, is when I allow Him to do HIS work in me.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says:

"Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I DO know at any moment that God is powerful enough to allow the girls to come home. I have reminded my self a thousand times that God loves these girls SO much more than we do and, although I do not understand this situation and why He has not chosen to allow them to come home with us, I need to keep my focus on:

Isaiah 55:6-9:

"Seek The Lord while you can find him.
Call on him now while he is near.
Let the wicked change their ways
and banish the very thought of doing wrong.  Let them turn to The Lord that he may have mercy on them.
Yes, turn to our God, for he will forgive generously.
“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says The Lord.
“And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.  For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

Yesterday I took the girls to the grocery store.  One of the few "Western-type" of stores in town, and it was quite crowded. I am not sure why many people here do not like Americans adopting the orphans from their country, but I saw many people who are not afraid to make their displeasure in what we are doing known.  There were plenty of scowls and even a bunch of pointing and whispering. In my very depressed mood, I allowed myself to get disheartened to a new level. I smiled and tried to ignore the very obvious chatter about me and our girls, but I allowed it to hurt and I will even confess I was resentful of them. The Lord has chosen to use my devotionals over and over in my time here, so clearly responding to me as if the book was written for me. In my devotional just this morning, was a reminder that being hurt and offended by how they behaved is making me no better than them. Here is just a portion:

"Thank Me for the opportunity to offer grace to those who offend you and forgiveness to those who hurt you.  You become more like Me every time you offer mercy instead of judgement. When you dare to praise Me for the difficult people in your life, I receive honor and glory, and you receive blessing. As you look into My face and worship Me, My love shines through you." 

Oh how I long to be secure enough in my Lord that I can be that person!!

My mind also immediately went to the man who can sign our letter. I have prayed continuously for his heart to be softened but never once have I asked Jesus to bless him. Honestly, from a human perspective, who would???  I am mad and hurt he would cause this situation for our girls!!   But the Lord gently reminded me that I am not to live my life responding from my human self. I am to respond with the love and grace that He shows me daily, that beautiful love and grace that I too am so undeserving of!

"Thank me that I am able to meet your needs even when others let you down. Praise Me that I am able to transform their lives as well as yours. Just as My Son died for you, My child, He died for them. When you judge and condemn them, your attitude breaks my heart." 

That is so true. I have been judging and condemning and breaking My Fathers heart.

What if the Lord wants to use me to show love, grace and mercy to people here who so rarely see it. If I chose to stay in my sad, depressed state, feeling bad for myself, I will miss that opportunity.

1 Peter 1:6-8:

"So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.
You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy."

So, I'm asking Jesus for joy today. Joy that only He can give, because in our current circumstance it's very hard to find!  Will you join me in praying for that same thing?

We love you all so much and we are so thankful for you!

Lice, Scabies, Malaria and More!!!

 Well, as the title suggests it's been fourteen days full of bugs!  The doctor has been over to visit multiple times. The girls have had malaria, pharyngitis, ear infections, and the ever-abundant parasites in their poor little bellies. To say it has been trying would be a colossal understatement. I have a lot of experience with sick kids, but it's rough being without my sweet husband and my mom's help!  The doctor who visits us here at the motel is very, very kind however, he speaks very little English and I neither speak or read French. Trying to remember each of the girl's dosages and medicine frequencies has been a bit of a nightmare. After having to have my husband contact a physician friend at home for the dosage for one of the girls, I finally started my own notebook and list of what each girl is taking and how often. It hasn't been all bad. I am so thankful I have been here to hold each feverish little girl. To hug them and tell them "It's ok...Mommy is here." To make sure they are getting enough to drink. Even through the sickness, bugs, infections, and pain, there have been many laughs and lots and lots of loves. Everyday that passes I fall more and more in love with our beautiful daughters. 

I'm not sure what I was thinking upon my arrival this time...I guess maybe because we killed all the lice last time we were here (in October), I thought that the girls would still be free of them?  Whatever I thought, I did not do a thorough enough examination of the girls' heads and realized, painfully realized, after 10 days of GiGi sleeping, more or less on my face, that they have more lice than I care to see in my lifetime!  

Poor little baby was scratching her head, but I thought she was just scratching at a couple of fungal spots, which are being treated. No, those weren't just fungus...she was scratching lice in her hair.  And, yes, just as you might imagine, I have the friendly fellows crawling around on my head as well.  :(. After closer examination I also realized GiGi had scabies on her ear. It's not a severe case of scabies, and we are very fortunate, because it can spread VERY quickly!  I am not positive I have them but I have a couple spots on my knuckles that look very suspicious so I will be treating those tonight as well. 

As I watched the girls picking lice out of GiGi's hair tonight, I will admit it was pretty funny, especially when they would pull on her hair too hard and she would say "Awwwwwww" and then click her little tongue in disgust at them. :). However, the humor quickly fades as the pit in my stomach grows.  Why have my beautiful daughters lived their lives exposed to so many bugs-both on their physical bodies and internally-that at the ages of 7,5,3 and 2, they instinctively know what to do about them???  All I can think about as I scratch my own head are the hundreds and thousands of precious babies that don't have a lice treatment kit accessible to them. They don't have the cream to rub on the scabies that kills them, they don't have the medicine to kill the bugs that make their little bellies hurt constantly. It's likely that if they were treated, they would just get them all over again. Am I doing enough to ensure that this isn't the "norm" for babies and children?  Why should it be second nature for these precious children to be scratching their bodies constantly?  Why should they have never-ending diarrhea?  Why should thousands of innocent children die every single year simply because of dirty water?   

It makes me sick to my stomach to realize that my four daughters know exactly what to look for and how to kill the lice. That GiGi, at just under 2 years old, knows enough to sit still for her sisters to dig them out of her hair. I know as Americans we are told that kids live in poverty and suffer. I know I grew up being told how blessed I was. But the reality is I had no clue!  When we went to Ethiopia to pick up Silas, Josh and Mahlea, it changed everything for me. I couldn't even leave the guesthouse without sobbing. Looking into the sad eyes of such beautiful, hurting people. Being in Africa has opened my eyes to a reality I think every American should know. It is easy for us to focus on our own busy, comfortable lives, that is until you have seen people you love hurting. My eight amazing African children have endured more hardship in their few years than I have in my entire life. Our older kids have shared many, many heart-breaking stories. Even our little girls know enough English that they have shared some things that are gut wrenching.  I don't have the answers, and oh how I wish I had the solution for every child, and the more I learn about God, the more I believe He doesn't want a singular solution. The truth is, from My Father's perspective, entering into the suffering of others is as much about changing MY heart and MY life as it is about giving children a family.

As I sit in my room listening to my beautiful girls sleep, I don't ever want to forget. I don't ever want to be the selfish person I have been in the past. I will gladly say "yes' to bugs and dirt--things I have always disliked. I will say "yes" over and over again if it means I can look into beautiful little eyes and tell them that they are loved. I don't know what our future holds, but I know we will continue seeking God's wisdom and keep right on saying "yes".

Proverbs 24:11-14 tells us

"Rescue those who are unjustly sentenced to die;

save them as they stagger to their death.

Don’t excuse yourself by saying, “Look, we didn’t know.”

For God understands all hearts, and he sees you.

He who guards your soul knows you knew.

He will repay all people as their actions deserve.

My child, eat honey, for it is good,

and the honeycomb is sweet to the taste.

In the same way, wisdom is sweet to your soul.

If you find it, you will have a bright future,

and your hopes will not be cut short."

Tonight I am asking The Lord what more I can do to make a difference in the lives of "those who are unjustly sentenced to die" and I'm praying all my children will find the Lord's wisdom and the bright future He has in store for each of them!!

Before I sign off for today, I want to let you know that we have some amazing friends in Billings who have been fasting and praying for our family and our girls and our situation every Wednesday. They asked us this week if we would invite you to join us in praying and fasting, not just for our situation, not just for us to get our daughters home, but for ALL the children and ALL the families who are in a very similar situation to ours, as well as for the DRC as a whole.  Would you join us?

As always, we love and thank you for walking this road with us.  We can't do this without you!