Love

For the past few months, I have been reflecting a LOT on the people in the Bible and what life looked like for them.  I have then been comparing it to my own life, how it has been in the past and how it is now.  I don't even know how to describe what I believe Jesus has done in my life the past few months but I found it summed up in Bob Goff's book "Love Does".  (A MUST read!)  Goff says: 

"I learned that faith isn't about knowing all of the right stuff or obeying a list of rules.  It's something more costly because it involves being present and making a sacrifice.  Perhaps that's why Jesus is sometimes called Immanuel-"God with us".  I think that's what God had in mind, for Jesus to be present, to just be with us.  It's also what He has in mind for us when it comes to other people.  The world can make you think that love can be picked up at a garage sale or enveloped in  a Hallmark card.  But the kind of love that God created and demonstrated is a costly one because it involves sacrifice and presence.  It's a love that operates more like a sign language than being spoken outright."

I would be lying if I said that I was excited to come here to the DRC again.  As I laid in bed the morning I left, I was recalling the way I felt before leaving the girls to come back home.  I truly did not know how I was going to leave them.  I remember asking myself how I could stay away from my kids at home any longer but because our four little girls were right there in front of me, I felt their pain more deeply than the pain of my kids at home.  I wondered to myself if I would feel that same way if the places were swapped.  It reminded me of when I was pregnant with Preston and Dylon.  I don't know how many other moms can relate to what I am about to say but I feel guilty even writing the words now.  I would hold Bailey and wonder to myself how I could possibly ever love a child as much as I loved Bailey.  The reality is and has been proven over and over again for me...God's love, the reason I am able to love my kids, it doesn't stop, it never runs out, and in all honestly, I believe with all my heart the more kids that I have been able to be "Mommy" to, has allowed me to love each of my kids even more.  I truly delight in how uniquely God created each one of our children!!  

I will be honest, it was awful leaving our eight kids at home.  I felt like I couldn't possibly leave.  I told them how sorry I was over and over.  Yes, it does help that they are a little older and that they speak English and that I am leaving them with Daddy, but there was very real pain in their eyes and it truly broke my heart.  While reading Bob's book, I came across this: 

"I think God sometimes uses the completely inexplicable events in our lives to point us toward Him.  We get to decide each time whether we will lean in toward what is unfolding and say yes or back away.  the folks who were following Jesus in Galilee got to decide the same thing each day because there was no road map, no program, and no certainty.  All they had was this person, an idea, and an invitation to come and see."

That pretty much sums up the past few months for me...I am more aware of Jesus being near to me than ever before in my life.  I have said "yes" to things I would have never had the courage to in the past, because I have felt so clearly that God is guiding us.  Don't get me wrong, I have doubted so many times I am certain Brian is tired of me asking "Are you sure I should go honey?"  The last night before I came back here was one of those examples.  I'm scrambling around, packing up the last couple suitcases and I get an email from the man who owns the guest houses where we have stayed.  His email to me said, "I'm so sorry Danna, we have no availability until Sunday the 24th."  Ummmm big, HUGE gulp.  Where were the girls and I going to stay????  I hadn't booked anything else and I was about to get on a plane in the morning.  I immediately began asking Brian what I should do, should I change my flights??  He told me to calm down, to ask the owner if he had any apartments available.  So, I wrote him back and asked if he had any of his apartments, I also added that Brian really didn't want the girls and I staying elsewhere.  I got an email back from him that said he would respond in the morning.  I know Jesus asks us to have faith and to trust Him but I will confess, in situations like this, I more frequently decide it is a "closed door" than the Lord asking me to trust Him.  I WANT to trust Him and I had several other confirmations that I was supposed to leave this week.  So, I finished packing and went to bed, knowing that I may arrive in Kinshasa not knowing where I would stay.  Here's another quote from "Love Does":  

"I once heard somebody say that God had closed a door on an opportunity they had hoped for.  But I've always wondered if when we want to do something that we know is right and good, God places that desire deep in our hearts because He wants it for us and it honors Him.  Maybe there are times when we think a door has been closed and, instead of misinterpreting the circumstances, God wants us to kick it down.  Or perhaps just sit outside of it long enough until somebody tells us we can come in."  

I'm sure glad I didn't change my tickets that night!  God is very merciful and I woke up to two emails.  The first one I read was from the owner of the motel, confirming they did indeed have room for me.  The second was a Wisdom Hunters devotional, the part that jumped out to me was this:

Compassion and courage are steady staples for servants of Jesus. We seek out the spiritually lost, the emotionally bankrupt and the physically displaced to invest our time and money in them for Christ’s sake. Compassion is love in action and courage carries it on its broad shoulders of bold belief. Obstacles are only stepping stones for God to show Himself real and resourceful. Hence, continuous courage is fueled by faith in Christ. While others hide out in fear, we remain faithful.
 
This calls for patient endurance on the part of the people of God who keep his commands and remain faithful to Jesus. Revelation 14:12

I know that this adventure is just beginning and that God has so much more to teach me/us.  I will continue to share how He is working in us!  Brian and I are humbled that you have chosen to join us.  Truly, thank-you doesn't seem sufficient for the way so many of you have financially supported us so that I can go be with the girls.  Or, the way so many of you have offered to make meals and help out with the kids.  Last, but certainly not least, we are so grateful for the continued prayers on behalf of our girls and our family.  Thank-you!!!

One more Bob Goff quote for you:

"Every day God invites us on the same kind of adventure.  It's not a trip where He sends us a rigid itinerary, He simply invites us.  God asks what it is He's made us to love, what captures our attention, what feeds that deep indescribable need of our souls to experience the richness of the world He made.  And then, leaning over us, He whispers, "Let's go do that together."  This is it for me, ask anyone who has known me for a long time.  My entire life, there is nothing I have been more passionate about than children.  There is nothing I would rather do than love on kids, no where I would rather be than with a room full of them :)  "...if we start RSVPing yes to His invitations and go after those things He's made us to love.  It's not all planned out for us either, and that's where most people get to nervous to take the next step.  But know this: when Jesus invites us on an adventure, He shapes who we become with what happens along the way."

The Greatest of these is Love

Since we made our announcement about me returning to the DRC to be with four of our daughters, we have had the privilege of having a whole bunch of conversations with people.  Through some of those conversations, we're learning that some people don't understand this decision.  They're encouraging us to make the "right" decision, when the bottom line is, there is NO right decision in the place we're in.  No matter what we decide, it's wrong.  Wrong because our family will be divided--which is patently wrong. 

Almost 10 years ago, Brian and I went to a church planter "assessment".  It's a tool commonly used to determine if you as a Pastor and couple, are equipped to plant a church.  Brian and were both blessed to know Sam Summers very well.  We both learned so much from him.  Sam was teaching at those "Assessment Meetings" and for all of these years, since that day, I have reminded myself over and over of something he said.  At that time, Brian and I ONLY :) had sweet Bailey, who was about a year and a half old and I was VERY pregnant with Dylon and Preston.  And what Sam said that day made such an impact on me, I remember the room, the desk I was sitting at and even the clothes I was wearing!  He said this:  "I know taking risks for God can be scary, I know you think that being "safe" and having life all figured out for your kids is what is best.  I am here to tell you that it's not.  Raise your kids teaching them that God wants to take us on adventures.  Tell them you don't know what tomorrow brings!  That is how they will grow up with faith, knowing God is faithful."  Isn't that just amazing?!? 

Yes, our eight kids at home need me, I believe that with all my heart.  However, if Brian and I present this to our kids as an adventure, an opportunity to love our four sweet little girls, they will see it that way as well.

I have had a few people ask me if I think our kids at home will resent the girls.  I already know the answer to that, it is simply "no".  After learning I was going to go back, in two separate conversations, both Preston and Jazmyn told me all they want for Christmas is their sisters to come home. I am blown away at how God is at work in their little hearts.  What a joy to watch.  Our hope for our kids is that they will know even at these young ages that God's love always involves a choice and an action, and our love should be like His.  And we pray that they will continually ask themselves how well they display their love for God in the choices they make and the actions they take.

1 Cor 13:13
But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation:  Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly.  And the best of the three is love. 

I have read my favorite book "Kisses from Katie" numerous times and I have shared some of her thoughts here before. I opened it up yesterday after having a rough morning and SO connected to these words:

"Mommy" is such a powerful name.  Mommy means "I trust you." Mommy means "You will protect me."  Mommy is for shouting when you need someone dependable and for laughing when you are excited; Mommy is for crying on and cuddling with when you are sad or giggling and hiding behind when you are embarrassed.  Mommy is the fixer of boo-boos and the mender of broken hearts.  Mommy is a comfort place, a safe place.  Mommy means you are mine and I am yours and we are family.  Though I had only parented them for a short time, the mother's love in my heart was true and God given, and a mother should never have to be separated from her children. "
Then a little later in that same book:  "I thought about the fact that several of the girls had lived without a mother for a period of time. Some had hardly known their mothers, others knew their mothers well enough to still feel the fresh pain of losing them.  And now I was leaving.  They would be loved and well cared for, but in a very real sense, they would also be motherless again.  It was so hard on them and it made me feel sick just to think about it."
Unlike Katie, it is true that I have eight children in the US that I am "Mommy" to.  So, for her, the answer was being with her kids.  I have to choose between my kids, like I have been doing for months now, thus the title of the last post, "Impossible Place".  

When we arrived to be with the girls in August, I started my time with them as "Mama".   This is how children in the DRC refer to any woman, it is a sign of respect, like "Madame".  Same with "Papa", it would be like "Sir".   After several weeks with them, without me even asking, they started calling me "Mommy".  I am their Mommy and I cannot leave them there anymore.  I have had many friends ask me how long I am prepared to be there.  My answer is: "I simply do not know."  I can truly hardly make it through today at the moment.  I am clinging to Matthew 6:34: “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today." 

Last week a good friend called us and committed $100/month to our Adoption Fund until our daughters are home.  He also challenged us to ask  others to do the same thing.  30 (or 31) families each committing $100/month that to us, covers a significant piece of my being with our daughters in the DRC.  I know, for some, $100/month is too much, but please know that any amount will help us.  A few families could throw in together.  A small group could throw in together.   We get it if you are unable to commit to a monthly gift.  Maybe you can commit to a one-time gift.  No matter the amount or the frequency of your gift, it ALL matters to our daughters and to our family.  Thank you from the depths of our hearts for your generosity!

One more quote from "Kisses from Katie" to close out this post, one I have read over and over throughout this process. 

"I didn't realize it then, but I strongly believe now that there is a common misconception that whatever happens to us is the will of God.  It's as though we think: Okay, I can do whatever I want and God will either do something or He won't and that will be His will.  It will all work out.  It will all happen just like it needs to.  I don't believe this anymore.  I believe that God is in control, yes, but I also believe I have a choice:  I can follow Him or I can turn my back on Him.  I can say "yes" to Him, or I can say "No".  I can go to the hard places or I can remain comfortable.  And if I remain comfortable, God who loves us unconditionally will continue to love me anyway.  I may still see His glory revealed in my life and recognize His blessings, but not like I could have.  I can miss the will of God.  The rich young ruler certainly did.  He didn't fall dead, as Ananias and Sapphira did; and maybe he went on to live a great life, but it wasn't the life he could have lived had he said "yes" to what Jesus was asking of him."
We love you and are so grateful to God for every one of you.

IMPOSSIBLE PLACE

After many days of prayers and many, many conversations, Brian and I have decided that I should go back to Kinshasa to be with our four daughters, who are stuck there.  As you would imagine, just like leaving the girls there almost a month ago was gut wrenching, making this decision has been brutal as well.  There are no "good" answers in this situation.  It, frankly, is an impossible place.  Since March, we have legally been the parents of twelve children.  We have been separated from our Congolese daughters for six of those months and the two months we were with the girls, we were apart from our kids here.  The first few months of that waiting time were sad, but we hadn't yet met our little girls. Looking at sweet faces in a picture and knowing they are in a place that is less than ideal is one thing, but when you look into those sad eyes and kiss those sweet cheeks, it changed everything forever for both of us--not to mention them!
 
Our June trip was difficult because it was our first realization of how deprived of food and love our girls really were.  They tore food out of each others hands at mealtimes, snack times, and anytime in between- like nothing I had ever seen before.  GiGi threw up at our first dinner because she didn't even know what it felt like to be full.  It was horrific.  The most awful thing I had seen in my life.  We stayed in Kinshasa with the girls for a little over a week and leaving them was much, much harder than I imagined.  But we arrived in Kinshasa knowing we would have to leave them. We also knew that we would be back very soon to bring them home forever. 

That's what we thought when we returned to Kinshasa on August 10--that we would be there for a few short weeks and we would bring our girls home forever.  But, as you know, that's not how it went.  We spent two bittersweet months with our girls, falling even more in love with them and them with us, every day. 

Then, we were forced to make the torturous decision to leave four of our precious daughters behind and return home to our other eight kids.  I cried myself to sleep every night for weeks, knowing the day was coming closer and closer.  I would lay awake at night and plead with Jesus to give us a way out, a way to bring our girls home.  I will never in my life forget saying goodbye to our four little girls.  We had a conversation with them, William (our agency rep) helped translate what was about to happen so we knew the older two understood.  Sweet Jada sat on the bed with a sad face as I was sobbing in the corner.  Like a big girl, she wiped my tears and said, "It's okay Mommy."  Liberty marched off to play like nothing had even happened, we already know she likes to put on a "tough face".  It was clear the younger two had no idea what was going on, off they went to play as well. 

Two days later, we said goodbye.  I packed the girls up with their special blankets we had brought them, their picture books of us, a few toys, and clothes.  I was holding GiGi walking to the car, telling her over and over how sorry I was.  I handed her to Brian so I could kiss the other girls.  Jada gave me a big and long hug, I looked into her eyes and told her how much I loved her and that we would be back.  I literally had to chase Liberty to get her to even give me a hug, again I told her how much I loved her and that we would be back.  I picked up sweet Karis and I hugged her tight, as I placed her in the car, it was in that moment that she finally understood.  She immediately started crying and reached for me.  Brian had put GiGi in the car and as the nanny got in, the doors shut and they quickly drove off.  In all of my life, I will never forget the cries I heard.  Both Karis and GiGi were crying and calling "Mommy, Mommy"  I cried and cried for hours.  Everything in me was longing to stay but I knew I needed to come home, and be with our kids at home, rest, and most of all, pray.   

Reality is, when the girls did not know we existed, it was much easier to be here and leave them there.  They were in a decent place- it was an improvement from where they were before.  Experiencing a week of being with their Mommy and Daddy hadn't impacted them too greatly.  However, after two months with us, they know what it is like to have a Mommy and Daddy again.  They know what it is like to be loved and treated like they are the most important person in the world, not just another child in a room of twenty.  We left the girls with people that we believe DO care about them, and like I said in a recent post, it is a nice orphanage in comparison to many.  But that does not ease the fact that they're still in an orphanage.  Our girls already lost one set of parents, the younger two girls, more than likely, do not even remember them. 

So, Lord willing, I will return and start over...for those of you who have not parented children who have been deeply wounded, it will be starting over.  They will need me to prove, once again, that they can trust me, that I love them unconditionally.  I am planning to bring materials with me so that I can start teaching the girls some educational basics.  They have never been to school so we'll be starting from scratch.
 
So, here are the details...The first step is getting a new visa to enter the country, $300.  Then a plane ticket, between $1500 -$2000.  Right now, the best option is still for me to stay at the same place I stayed before.  It is safe, secure and familiar to the girls.  I have sent messages to some other adoptive moms and there are other, less expensive places to stay but they're less than optimal.  Not to mention, there will be at least one other adoptive mom at the place we stayed before. The security of knowing that I would have another adult to talk to and someone to help if I needed it is very comforting.  Our room will cost $100/day.  In addition to that we'll incur food and transportation costs.  I can take as much food as possible, but there are some things I will have to buy in country.

All cards face up, we are in the hole, financially, after our last two month stay.  We borrowed considerable sums because we thought, again and again, that we'd all be coming home soon, and that we just needed to wait a little bit longer.  I realize that even considering going back and spending more money when we are already in the red seems ignorant.  But truth be told, it's not about the money--it never has been.  Honestly, if we would have known what this adoption adventure would cost in time, money, and sacrifice, I can almost guarantee you that neither Brian or I would have signed up. 

Truthfully, none of this makes any sense to us.  I will confess to asking "Why?" more times than I can count.  Likely, my feeble mind could not even begin to understand the answer to that question.  That is why in Isaiah 55:8, God says, "My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways."  We cannot understand all that God is, nor all that He does.  I take great comfort in knowing that God didn't overwhelm us with having to make a decision knowing what we know today.  He gave us the courage and strength to say "Yes"  to those four sweet little faces.  He knew how this story would go and He knows the ending.  He is good and He can be trusted.

"I am God, and there is none like me. I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say: My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please" (Isaiah 46:9-10).

Please continue to pray for our entire family.  We don't know the exact timing of when I would return and of course we are praying that the document that needs to be signed, will be signed before any of this has to take place!  Then we will just go--get on a plane and go (VERY QUICKLY) pick up our girls as long as we have the money we need for that trip--2 round-trip and 4 one-way tickets.

 We are so weary of asking for financial help.  However, here we are, in a place that we cannot do what we believe God has asked us to do, without the help of friends and family and people who feel lead by God to partner with us to bring our four little girls home.  If God leads you to give, even a few dollars, we would be so grateful.  There is a donation button on the side of this blog.  If you click it, it will take you to Journey Church's "give" page.  If you choose, you can give a tax deductible gift there, but please be sure to type "Hopkins Adoption" in the comment box.  If e-giving is not your thing, you can also mail a check made payable to "Journey Church" to 1794 Baxter Lane East, Bozeman, MT 59718.  Please leave the "memo" line blank, but do attach a sticky note to your check that says "Hopkins Adoption". 

We are so, so grateful for your prayers and for your continued support and sharing of our story.